In this week's Torah portion, Vayigash וַיִּגַּשׁ (And He Drew Near), we see how our expectations about a situation can be completely different from our reality. Judah, Joseph's brother, approaches him with care and fear, hoping that Joseph will hear his reasonable plea. However, Judah's perception is so far from reality that it completely falls apart when Joseph reveals himself to his brothers. I'm facing a similar circumstance this past month. I've been raving about my expectations for 2025 for quite a while now, but as of today, my reality is far from what I had expected. The best comparison I can give is when Brazil was the favorite to win the 2014 World Cup only to suffer its worst-recorded loss against Germany in the semi-finals: The nation's biggest shameful upset of 7 x 1. It is still a poor comparison because sports events are ranked pretty low in life's important events, but I think it is a proper way to illustrate how off I've been about the year so far. Allow me to elaborate.
After the November US election results, I had this "feeling" that 2025 was going to be the beginning of a golden era in my life. My expectation was that I would have surgery on December 3rd, spend the remainder of the year recovering, and start 2025 with a clean slate. I would be cancer-free and had so many projects in mind that I would master and conquer in the year to come. Right away my expectation was skewed, but it was skewed towards a positive note: My surgery got canceled because the tumor shrunk and was "inactive." So far so good. Things weren't going as expected but better, and I was bound towards 2025 with even greater positive momentum. I took two weeks of vacation time from work and began to plot this amazing path towards my personal goals. Up until Christmas day, everything was still happening fairly well. That is when things got completely derailed. The 7 x 1 game was about to begin and I, as the Brazilian and favorite to win, could not see it coming. December 26th, 2024 was the beginning of the worst week of 2024 for me and those expectations. I began to feel nausea and pain around the right kidney area. At first, I thought it was just because I had done some exercise the day before and I was simply out of shape. I took some pain medication and didn't pay it any more attention. A few hours later I noticed blood in my urine. That raised additional concern, but I still chucked it off to the excessive exercise and figured things would normalize in the next 24 hours. To summarize a long and tedious story, I spent the next week in a lot of pain, continuous nausea, and vomiting. I ended up in the Emergency Room 4 days in a row and no amount of pain medication could bring me comfort for more than a few hours. I barely slept. I didn't eat anything for a week (all I had that stayed down were a few sodas a day). So I began 2025 with a humiliating loss of 7 x 1 against life and my dreams. My reality showed my expectations who is boss.
Obviously, that is not the lesson here, so bear with me a bit longer. I always find it difficult to convey with words the amount of suffering our psyche goes through when we face this level of disappointment and pain. I believe that most of my audience is experienced enough to understand what I'm trying to illustrate here because, on top of all this physical suffering, there is a deeper level that cannot go unnoticed. The damage to our ego and self-esteem would probably have led me to depression in the past. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I've experienced this many times before so I'm almost immune at this point. When I write these blogs I actually treat them more as a diary where I pour out my feelings, hopes, experiences, and expectations as a self-therapy. I say this often and it remains true, but I do these for my own benefit. I don't do it for clout or fame and I don't have expectations that anyone will read them. If no one reads this entry, it will still have been worth it because it brings me clarity and helps me focus my mind back on Adonai. If, however, one person reads it and equally benefits from it, then I feel blessed.
What was my takeaway from all this? Now that I'm better and have been for the past three days, what did I learn and reap from this portion and experience? Just like Judah, what I think I know or what I expect is far from the reality I live in. However, just like with Judah, my hope is that as I "draw near" to Adonai I will also be pleasantly surprised. Judah's expectations and views were filled with fear, doubt, and uncertainty, but what he learned shortly after was that Adonai was ultimately in control. As Joseph also had to learn after a lot of suffering:
"And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life." Exodus 45:5
I admit that my logical human mind tried to make sense of the situation, especially while going through the pain, and I was distressed and angry with myself. So, this verse jumped out at me through the Spirit as I finally read this week's portion. Another verse that jumped at me was one of my brother, Jonathan Blood's daily devotions that states:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring HEALTH to your body and nourishment to your bones." Proverbs 3:5-8
He posted that via a direct message yesterday and it brought strength and resolve back to my spirit. This verse truly says it all. It brilliantly helps me realign my mind with the events that have occurred so far. I "surrendered" my thoughts to Christ with the understanding that I do not have a clue about future events and reminded me that my role in all this is to do what is set before me. Just do good and honor Adonai. That is my only responsibility. I'm not sure what will happen to me in 2025 nor do I know if it is going to be this golden age for many. What I do know is that Yeshua is good and faithful and that He has never let me down. There are a lot of lessons to be gleaned from this portion, but James 4:13-17 says it best: "Now listen, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them."
This blog usually goes out on Monday, so I usually end it wishing you a blessed week, but today I will end it with Shabbat Shalom! If God wills it, I will post the next entry on Monday. Love you all and thank you for the continued prayers. Shalom!
Comments